the saint

watching the saint. for all the shots of moscow. and it makes me feel better inside somehow.

get lonely/getting better

I will rise up early and dress myself up nice
and I will leave the house and check the deadlock twice.
and I will find a crowd and blend in for a minute
and I will try to find a little comfort in it.
and I will get lonely and gasp for air.

when i search itunes for "get lonely" two songs come up. one is the song i am searching for, Get Lonely by the Moutain Goats, which I like to use to make myself feel Really Bad, but like I have a nice friend who understands. But the other I am always afraid to click because it will just be the jangly Beatles telling me it's Getting Better all the time (from Sgt. Peppers' lonely hearts club band). But every time I DO click on them, it really does get just a little bit better.

• Get Lonely, Mountain Goats (maybe I should upload this some time, but I've already uploaded a song in the last day. It's such a pain taking all of 4:30 to do)

in which i come up with a new phrase

I was trying to think (OK, for the last 2 years) of a girls' equivalent of "bros before hos" and it suddenly it came to me in the car: "lasses before asses." Kind of forced, yes, but...oh, someone else on the internet has come up with "chicks before dicks." I like that one better.

some days (these days)

Some days I have a class that I don't want to teach. I wonder what would happen if I called it off. I just wonder. I don't know. What can they do to me at this point? Fire me? So? Come on, big man. Come on!

(That's two refererences to Chambraigne* in two days, counting Jamie's)

*Finally! A product for me! I believe every word that man says because it's exactly what I wanted to hear.

nothing so ridiculously teenage and desperate

Fitter, happier, more productive,
comfortable,
not drinking too much,
regular exercise at the gym
(3 days a week),
getting on better with your associate employee contemporaries,
at ease,
eating well
(no more microwave dinners and saturated fats),
a patient better driver,
a safer car
(baby smiling in back seat),
sleeping well
(no bad dreams),
no paranoia,
careful to all animals
(never washing spiders down the plughole),
keep in contact with old friends
(enjoy a drink now and then),
will frequently check credit at (moral) bank (hole in the wall),
favors for favors,
fond but not in love,
charity standing orders,
on Sundays ring road supermarket
(no killing moths or putting boiling water on the ants),
car wash
(also on Sundays),
no longer afraid of the dark or midday shadows
nothing so ridiculously teenage and desperate,
nothing so childish - at a better pace,
slower and more calculated,
no chance of escape,
now self-employed,
concerned (but powerless),
an empowered and informed member of society
(pragmatism not idealism),
will not cry in public,
less chance of illness,
tires that grip in the wet
(shot of baby strapped in back seat),
a good memory,
still cries at a good film,
still kisses with saliva,
no longer empty and frantic like a cat tied to a stick,
that's driven into frozen winter shit
(the ability to laugh at weakness),
calm,
fitter,
healthier and more productive
a pig in a cage on antibiotics.


Some people don't get the irony. Some days I feel defeated and resigned to the lifestyles of "Fitter Happier," "Palo Alto" (lyrics) and "No Surprises" (lyrics). Some days I just feel sorry for those that have really settled on that.

• Radiohead, Fitter Happier (see video)

Some days, I just want to quote a song, but I don't have much to write. Some days, I want to write, but I can't find the appropriate song. Today, I have lots to write, and a number of perfect songs.

But.

Instead.

This:

talking to brother on phone (shout out to best bro in the world)

Me: What's that Whitesnake song? I had it stuck in my head today.
Bro: Ummmm....Here I Go Again?
Me: Yeah! I googled "Here I go" and "hair rock" and it was like the first hit. I didn't know who it was before.
Bro: [still singing] ...on my own! Going down the only road I've ever known!
Me: Woah.
Bro: And I've made up my mi-ind, I ain't wasting no more ti-ime!
Me: Why the **** do you know all those lyrics?
Bro: [state of shock] I don't KNOW!

love it.

Listening to:

Elegy, by Balmorhea. I find I can't listen to anything with words. They're all so mean and sad. This is a link to the mp3, not to a video, so you can download it and love it like I do. They're from Austin. Yay!

retail therapy

have just splurged on eBay items--dresses and shirts, all looking like fairy princess items.
shirt
shirt
shirt
dress

I like the idea of a fairy princess having a closet, with Items.

U i vethed na i onnad
Si boe u-dhanna
Ae u-esteli, esteliach nad.

Apartment is clean. Papers are started. Bills are paid. Yoga is a go. Cats are a blessing. D&D is a savior.

Checks are not deposited. Papers are not finished. Cats are not human. Dog is not attained. Three dishes are not washed. Headache is not conquered.

• Evenstar, Isabel Bayrakdarian

24 hour tally

alcohol units: 2
dogs petted: 8
cats petted: 2
mix cds delivered: 1
pounds of coffee delivered: 2
good friends talked to: 2
orders of nachos eaten: 1
any other food eaten: 0

donate

You, too, can donate to my radio station. We're having the pledge drive, and it would be totally awesome if you donated even $5 to the cause. It's really an awesome station. I love it, as a listener and as a DJ.



I made my grandma listen to "So Bad" by Shearwater (right click and download if you want to listen, please), and she got offended by the lyrics. But she and my aunt loved when I talked on my show.

DRAFT: crappy celebrities i irrationally enjoy, and why

Originally written: April 8, 2008

Clearly didn't finish the "any why" portion

Kristen Bell, Evangaline Lilly, Maria Bamford, Natalie Portman (what's with the pint-size ladies?). I won't go into my irrational, rabid hates, of which there are more (Keira Knightley, Mischa Barton, David Boreanaz).



Mindy Kaling. By far my favorite part of The Office (US).



Billie Piper. i like when she looks really crappy, and i like when she looks like a british brittney spears. i like when she simpers, and i like that she seems like a really nice person, and i don't question it at all.

Coleen McCoughlin.

Elisabeth Shue. we've been through this.



Jessica Simpson

Ewan McGregor. yeah, this is kind of...mid 90's of me. But still...there's the EWAN MACGREGOR game that Katy taught me and my brother. I did love Trainspotting.




Major Kira. Sooo.....maybe this is a TV character. And if I were going to choose TV characters, this list would be a whole lot longer. But also, I went to a Star Trek convention just because I loved Major Kira so much that I wanted to buy a Bajoran earring. It was a Star Trek convention featuring the actors from Voyager. Voyager. OK, I guess it could have been worse. It could have been Enterprise.

DRAFT: Zodiac

Originally written April 12, 2008

Was afraid someone who read this was a zodiac person. I'm OK if you are.

I've had too many of these experiences to keep judging based on them, but it still takes me aback when I'm talking with someone I feel like I know pretty well, and suddenly they ask what the star signs of whoever we're talking about are.

DRAFT: stop me if you think that you've heard this one before

Originally written November 5, 2006

I think I wrote this while hypomanic, and was deleting a lot of posts the next day.

Why do people always say the Smiths are depressing? I don't hear it. I'm being serious

Special thanks to J and to plain, full-fat yogurt* for preserving my sanity. NO THANKS TO YOU, large latte, you jerk.

*I love this stuff!!

Note to self: stop calling nonsenscient things 'jerks.'

Back to ripping CDs and doing macroeconomics problem sets, already in progress.

DRAFT: take a good look

Originally written on November 2, 2006

Thought was boring, but not think is funny because I called iTunes "Jerks." and said "moneys"

ok, why won't it let me update? this was supposed to go up last night.

despite my double-youtube-updates, I'm so bored with the internet. Isn't that awful? It's not the internet's fault. I look so forward to the Marmaduke explications, but they take all of 30 seconds to catch up on weeks' worth.

So, I downloaded my first songs on iTunes. I've also been painstakingly adding my favorite CD's and cover art. I like how you can choose from the CD covers now, like your own personal jukebox. It feels like the future. And the future is filled with Kinks and Beatles albums. And now, official thanks to iTunes (except they charged me moneys for them, so NO THANKS TO ITUNES, YOU JERKS), I have "I'm not afraid of you and I will beat your ass" the newish Yo La Tengo CD (thanks to addiction to "Black Flowers"), and finally that first Darren Hanlon CD (see link at right to listen). And also, the song "Are you Sure" by Willie Nelson, because I couldn't separate it from the Tennesse Waltz in my head, but now I can: they are both sad, but "Are you Sure" is sadder because it's not a waltz. And the lyrics are also sadder. And it might possibly be a waltz, in parts.

DRAFT

Originally written August 10, 2006

Found it boring.

bored, bored, bored. Being a receptionist is boring. Correction: being a receptionist with a computer that doesn't have Flash is boring. I got demoted, but just for lunch. It would be just fine if I could be doing some important Snakes on a Plane video watching. I've just checked CNN.com for like the 90th time in an hour. There's still a foiled terror plot.

DRAFT: when he knew for certain only drowning men could see him, he said 'all men will be sailors then, until the sea shall free them.'

Originally written December 6, 2008
Thought it was too depressive, and inconclusive a thought

i seem to just want to keep updating song lyrics tonight. i've already quoted one leonard cohen on my facebook update, but now, here we go again:

i just realized all of these lyrics i'm wanting to quote have something about "broken" in them. (but he himself was broken, long before the sky would open, forsaken, almost human, he sank beneath your wisdom like a stone).

as a stress-reliever, i often transcribe lyrics into the field of the itunes files. but i don't seem to be able to search the lyrics of the files--i can't type in "broken" and get all the songs that i'm apparently going to get stuck in my head tonight.

DRAFT: Perfect Day

Originally written April 5, 2009

Just a perfect day
You made me forget myself
I thought I was someone else
Someone good

Believe it or not, I am doing some work between updates. I'm hungry with nothing but goat's milk in the house. Ooh, and popcorn!

The cats and I lie on the bed, talking, and not talking. We can not talk for hours.

Today's date was nice.

Have updated yet more photos of Russia, but now I'm out of space on Flickr for the month.

Have some popcorn to pop.

• Perfect Day, Lou Reed

DRAFT: omg omg omg!

Originally written July 6, 2008

Was afraid it would be discovered that I had watched Doctor Who instead of got to Delhi

I'm at a huge cliffhanger for Doctor Who, and it seems the next episode is really long so it's taking a long time to download, which means I'm going to be late getting into Delhi, but OMG OMG OMG what is going to happen? This is important. I'm glad that even with my daily panics, I still have my priorities straight.

DRAFT: oh crap!

Originally written November 29, 2007
Thought implicating that there is a "not nice kind of Christian" might be offensive to some.

I'm studying, I really am! But I'm also googling someone that I think I accidentally agreed to go on a date with tomorrow.

And now I have to decide: is it worse if he likes me (and it is in fact a date?) or if he's trying to get me one-on-one to proselytize (because Google tells me he is very Christian)? In fact, I think it's much worse if he likes me. Because he looks like the nice kind of Christian. And what's worse than hurting the feelings of the nice kind of Christian?

Grr! I have nothing to distract myself from unpleasant things. I only have a finite number of things to do:

1. worry about this date.
2. worry about this exam.
3. study for this exam (while worrying about the date and exam).
4. clean the apartment (living in squalor again...one of those months)
5. listen to Low and cry all night!
6. eat more fish sticks
7. eat more cheese sticks
8. read the books i bought as presents and thereby have to buy new presents.

Wait, my list is improving with every step! Soon it will tell me I have the option to listen to Gillian Welch till the sun rises! Oh, but it is also telling me I have the option to fail statistics unnecessarily, and it's only optional if I complete item 3.

Dammit.

DRAFT: stuff your heart with steel wool and tin foil

Originally written September 27, 2007
Don't remember where I was going with this title

DRAFTS roundup

I have gone back through my files and found half-finished posts and things that I decided not to update for whatever reason. Of those, I selected a few that made the cut, as far as not being as horrible as the others. This was somehow less work than actually making an update. I will have one more major draft dust-off tomorrow, when I will try to explain the enigma that is my dad. I've been keeping this one in storage for a while.

Quote

So, I've been home 24 hours now. It's been quite a 24 hours. But my favorite part was this quote, which was apropos to almost nothing.

"Did I tell you I got a letter published in Bladder News?"

-Mom

featuring: hyperlinks!

if you're single and looking out
you must raise your prayer to a shout

Taking my own advice to Sirena, I will try to link to some version of the songs I quote. From now on.

I dreamed of Little Dude (former roommate's cat). He was soft, and sweet, and laid himself out like a squirrel skin to be furminatored. Sorry, I should have put this in the dreams journal, per regulation.

I'm going to see the hypnotist in a few minutes, and have no idea what to ask him for. I keep thinking of awesome things to ask for, like a day at the spa, but then I remember--he's not Santa Claus. I made the appointment a few weeks ago when my brain was broken. But now...well, I broke it the opposite way, and that seems to have solved problems.

• If You Find Yourself Caught in Love, Belle and Sebastian [starts slow, wait for 1:03]

This is your left, that's your left
This is your, that's your left!
This is your right, that's your right
This is your right, you're gonna die!

Cutest conversation with Ladybird, I love her:

Me: Did you just...put a mouse on my back?
Ladybird: Maybe...
Me: You DID put a mouse on my back! Why did you do that?
Ladybird: Throw the mouse.
Me: OK, I'll throw the mouse. There it goes.
Ladybird: [fetches mouse] I got your mouse for you. Let me put it on your back...
Me: Don't put that mouse on my...!! [sigh] ...back.

[repeat]

• Meatwad's TV show from Aqua Teen Hunger Force (The Cloning)

a fever of love

Later,when you face old age and its natural conclusion
your courage will still be shown in the little ways,
each spring will be a sword you'll sharpen,
those you love will live in a fever of love,
and you'll bargain with the calendar
and at the last moment
when death opens the back door
you'll put on your carpet slippers
and stride out.

I don't know what to say about today. Each spring will be a sword I sharpen. I like that.

I helped give a presentation (OK, I did the powerpoint, but it was a freaking awesome powerpoint, with complicated animations, and a cute frog picture). Tomorrow is my least favorite day, with a 9am class. But on top of that, right after it's done, I have a 2 hour tutorial to teach and a group meeting for (yet another) presentation to go to right after that. I'm taking care of a friend's cats for the weekend. One of them is named after a character from Battlestar Galactica, so that's cool (or IS it?). The friend came over to drop her key off, and my cats loved her so much!

I'm washing all the dishes from Neverending Story last night. It was lovely! I know lots of good people. To the diary!

• from "Courage," by Anne Sexton

I am an orphan on God's highway
but I'll share my troubles if you'll go my way

Doom! DOOM! I lay in bed for an extra hour, trying to think of something good (see last entry). Finally S-- called, and then M--, and those were good enough things for me, even though M called about work stuff.

Then I thought of cold fronts, and daffodils, and my cats, and a future of possibilities, and being able to listen to PJ Harvey and Gillian Welch all I want, and wearing sandals with sweaters because it's spring in Texas, and being almost done with school, and things weren't so very bad. And I thought of my new diary, which is a lot cheaper than a therapist. In fact, I'm going to go write in it now.

• Orphan Girl, Gillian Welch

So, I'm bailing this town
or
Tearing it down
or
Probably more like hanging around

This weekend (and I'm including today) is dead to me now. We shall never speak of it. We shall regroup, replan, repair. Listen to "I Don't Love Anyone" by Belle and Sebastian, and escape. Tonight we shall watch a movie. Tonight we shall study and sleep, and escape one more time. We shall not have nightmares. We shall not stay up late upset about things.

Weekend, you suck, but you didn't win.

• Ghost World, Aimee Mann

In which I am like my cat

wait wait wait wait wait wait wait
for the time it takes a heart to mend a break
how many moons are reflected in the lake
can you wait forever if time is all it takes

Ladybird, before she left, loved her feathertoy. Her every thought was about that little fluffball on a string. I would pick her up, and her head would immediately whip around to where the feathertoy was stored, shoulder-height to me. She would beg and plead every time I was home to make it move around, the way she liked.

I went out looking for her one night when she was gone, and I brought the feathertoy with me. I was posting flyers, so I put it in my back pocket, and it must have fallen out. Ladybird was going to be devastated, I could tell.

Then she came back, and she only has a vague recollection of the feathertoy, but her head still whips around to where it used to hang when I say "feathertoy" or pick her up. She gets a dim look in her eyes and grudgingly turns her attention back to me when she realizes that place to which she is mysteriously drawn is strangely empty.

I got her another feathertoy, but I haven't told her yet. It's not the same kind, but it's very nice, and has real feathers (or fake feathers, but they look like feathers, and not a chewed up bit of fluff).

I am the same way. I waited 2 weeks for an email that never came, and my eyes still flick down to the folder it would be filtered to every time I log in. It's gotten to the point where I don't remember right away why I'm doing it, I just have a vague sense of disappointment that the folder is empty.

• Beep Beep Song, Simone White

Oh how long it will take
Till she sees the mistake
She has made?

Listening to some old-school Beatles. It's amazing how many covers they did at the beginning, considering what amazing songwriters they were.

Saw Adventureland last night, and also took a shower AND a bath. And washed all my clothes and sheets and towels. Feel better now. Kitchen is only slightly messy, too, so I feel like my life is in order. I even read the chapter I was supposed to have read for a presentation meeting tonight, though I didn't take notes or do the powerpoint slides I have to get done. I figure that's what today is for (after my date).

• "Baby's in Black," the Beatles.

eyelash extensions

Rose is my colour and white
Pretty mouth, and green my eyes

My makeover was fantastic! I'm totally a convert to eyelash extensions. They hurt and took a long time, but look now!

Awesome! I even bought makeup to replace the makeup I had (c. 2001).

I got the new PJ Harvey and John Parish album today (it was a Spending Weekend). I don't know what I think about it, except for Cracks in the Canvas. So I'm listening to another collaboration of theirs, hoping to find clues as to what's great. I do love "Is That All There Is?" and in fact wrote down all the lyrics in my management class the other day when we were talking about 30's transitions. Is that all there is to eyelash extensions?

And now to some homework, and then to some Adventureland!

• Angelene, PJ Harvey

"picture a train heading west"

I tried to find a good quote for this update, and this is just perfect actually, but no one will know why, unless you've read this book. Which is one of my favorites, by the way, not that I'm particularly well read.

I'm cleaning the house because I might have a friend come over tomorrow. It'll be nice to have it clean. It's been a busy week, and it'll be a busy weekend, but at least some portion of my life will be in order. Roomba is telling me "Uh Oh" about something or other. Roomba is so needy sometimes!

Xander's sitting on me because he can tell I'm feeling sad. Ladybird is obliviously walking back and forth on her shelf.

• Galatea 2.2, Richard Powers

daylight is good at arriving at the right time
It's not always going to be this way

Yes, daylight sure is at arriving at the right time. And I am running very late as a result.

• All Things Must Pass, George Harrison

ok

Now the drugs don't work

they just make you worse

but I know I'll see your face again

i'm going to see the hypnotherapist stat. my brain is broken

• The Drugs Don't Work, The Verve

i don't need no rising moon

shame is the shadow of love

I need to get a damn Twitter account if I'm going to be doing this type of updating. All I want to do is quote PJ Harvey lyrics.

I've gotten tons of emails today, but I'm still not sated! I'm an email carnivore, look out!

• Shame, PJ Harvey

Carrie is

listening to PJ Harvey on repeat. Getting ready for the new album.

got to pull myself together

Let's capture a city bus

Jump from burning buildings

While a circle of firemen

Catch us in their net

I like that phrase "pull oneself together." There's some image, from some poem, that it reminds me of. A body, though incorporeal if that's not an oxymoron, spreading across the universe.

Exam today. Exams, presentations, every day.

No, the lyrics only sometimes, or tangentially, or uninterpretably, have to do with the actual post.

• A to Z, Darren Hanlon