Monday, February 27, 2006

the girl with the cacchinatory laugh, the girl with the arab strap:

I found out that babies can hiccup. WHEN THEY ARE INSIDE OF YOU! (if you are a girl) (if you are a boy and a baby is inside of you, the baby is probably dead, and you are probably psycho). This gives me the creeps. Is it not supposed to? Am I supposed to be maternal and "aaawwww" about fetus having the hiccups? Because I so am not.

I like curling. Because I like people trying to explain it. Because after a lot of thought and effort, they always come up, almost word for word, with this description: "Well, they slide this... thing.... and then.... they sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep real hard. Then, I don't know."

It's offical: it takes 45 minutes to walk to work. 45 minutes and significant amounts of skin from my heel if I don't wear good socks. Yes, the bike tire was flat.

Is it wrong to find the laugh of every individual in a department annoying? I always feel bad finding people's laughs annoying, but you know? SOMETIMES THEY ARE ANNOYING, AND THEY SHOULD WORK ON HAVING FUN IN A WAY MORE CONVENIENT TO ME!

Saturday, February 25, 2006

this is to push the clothes post away

I got a peanut butter cookie today. Actually, I was going to get ice cream, but I was standing in line (it was the longest line in the world, plus is was composed almost solely of clearly contagious sick children), when I remembered I ate an entire pint of ice cream last night. Rather than decide I'd had enough sugar for a few days, I only decided I'd had enough ice cream, and went over to the cookie counter, which had a shorter line. But the cookie must have fallen out of its bag, and much much later, when I remembered I'd gotten it, I went out to the car to discover it was on the floor of the car. Such was my pain that, like Darth Vader, I fell to my knees and cried "noooooo!!!" into the night. It's not like I know my neighbors anyway.

I got 5 DVDs. They are: the Wizard of Oz box set, The Saint, Koyaanisqatsi, Powaqqatsi, The Office: Second Series.

Have you ever accidently, 5 times in a row, implied you were gay to someone you really didn't want to imply that to?

Today was drizzly, but near my house there was a wonderful petrichor, and I momentarily felt like I wasn't in this world anymore. It's such a soft scent. It's almost something I have to sense with something besides my nose, but it was there. (this is the first update in keeping with my new resolution to use a really good word once per update.)

And lastly, I saw an absolutely GREAT play last night! It is The Rivals, and it was the opening of the Austin Shakespeare Festival. I haven't laughed that hard at a play possibly in my whole life. I'm going to see it again next week, along with Richard III, which I have never seen or read.

Friday, February 24, 2006

conversation starter

Have I mentioned that I got two boxes of conversation hearts (from the good people at my company's payroll)? And that I organized them on my desk:


Is there a new Monk on tonight?

this is the clothes post

This morning on the TV-screen, there was a special about local firemen who had become vegetarians together. They were cooking each other some vegetarian pizza down at the station. NOW I SHARE AMERICA'S LOVE OF FIREMEN! They were so dear. I wanted to cook them foods and knit them sweaters.

Another overworked fascination of the public, previously obscure to me, is clothes. I just realized that even though last month's spending spree was out-of-character because it involved a lot of new clothes purchases, I have always liked clothes. I like clothes in a certain way: I instinctively know what I like; I have my very own fashion season that lives only inside my own head; I often think of clothes I'm wearing as a costume of some kind, even if no one else would be able to tell what it represented, or even that it was different; I like to have lots of clothes around, to have a good selection when creating the aformentioned costume, so I rarely throw things out, which is why I have shirts from 8th grade still in the repertoire. And sometimes I don't think about clothes at all, and look just awful (but unintentionally, as opposed to when I'm wearing certain weird clothes for a reason and look awful, though I guess my *intention* is almost never to look awful).

Stuck in the brain: Bill Withers, Use Me

Thursday, February 23, 2006

more than two things

Well, while I thought I had a nice smoky aroma from the fire last weekend, it turned out I smelled like bacon. And so does my raincoat. Bacon!

At the library, there was a graphic novel version of "Remembrance of Things Past." And in the spirit of Ginny, who could not pass up the graphic novel of "Tale of the Body Thief" in York ("What mementos do you have of York?" "Oh, you know, a graphic novel of a book about vampires by an American."), I checked it out from the library. So far, it's just like the book. Except the first five pages seem to cover the entirety of the portion of the real thing I managed to read.

My car broke down at lunch. Luckily my boss is the kind of boss who will not only pick me up at the mechanic's, but will also drop me off at my house after work. Here's hoping my bike tire isn't flat tomorrow morning. Because I don't have a pump. Or do I?

No, I don't.

There's a post about how I like clothes that's waiting to be updated, but I don't have it here with me right now. But as a probably meaningless followup to the as-of-now non-existant post, I got tickets today to go to the Alamo Drafthouse Oscar party! [this is what I call you about, today, G, but we can talk later. I was very glad to have J cornered for once.] Now comes the delightful challenge of convincing myself to wear a costume, and then the further challenge of coming up with something fabulous to wear. There will be a group of us. I hope I'm not the only one who gets dressed up.

I want to get dressed up for this Sunday's concert, too.

Packages: I received two in two days this week. And they weren't things I bought! They were unexpected gifts from friends. One was a DVR'd excerpt from the Puppy Bowl II (on Animal Planet, SuperBowl Sunday), from a friend whose fiancee watched both the Puppy Bowl and the real SuperBowl, both to my friend's extreme bewilderment. There were also some clips from the kitty halftime show. The other package was addressed to Dragon, and was from Sea-Cow (John/mfn), and included his and Summer's new CD! I listened to it at work and was CALMed.

Monday, February 20, 2006


put my worries on a shelf
don't think about nothin'
try not to see myself
I listened to Nick Drake and Radiohead all the way to and back from San Antonio. Self-indulgent Saturday? Like no other. Well, I probably could have chosen a better movie to see at the theater than The Pink Panther. But it was suggested, and I didn't even know what else was playing to counter the offer, so Pink Panther it was. What a weird trip. That was basically all I did because when I tried to go back downtown to walk around and take pictures (in the ice-cold night), I got hijacked by the interstate system, and was headed back towards Austin before I knew it. It turned out to be okay because I got back to Austin and went to a party, which had a fire pit. And there's nothing I like more than hovering around an outdoor fire in freezing temperatures. Seriously. Everyone told funny stories, and today I smell like smoke. There was also a strange party trick that involved shaking your face as fast as you could and they take a digital picture of you, and they come out funny. They call it "flapface." As in "Hey, everyone, let's do flapface!" It was something they did at most parties, apparently.
Despite all that, I think this weekend will have to be defined by the nightmare of this morning. I mean, literally, a really bad dream. There are only a handful of dreams I've woken up crying from.
But my poor housemate, who had just finished paying off his truck, totalled it this morning skidding on some ice. Sob, sob, I had a bad dream. A woman I worked with this afternoon for a few hours has had her mother-in-law's Alzheimer's finally get out of control, and the mom is now living with them, and saying mean and hateful things to them. My coworker is the nicest woman, and even though she'd say sad things with a kind of apologetic smile, she seemed so tired and on the verge of tears, my heart broke for her whenever I looked up from work. Poor me, I had time on Friday to watch 13 episodes of Veronica Mars and read a book on economics.
The weather forecast on my page as I write this says "Mist/ 34 degrees/ CALM." I like the 'calm' in all caps. Imperative.
  • Nick Drake

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Relax, that's it

from under the ice i saw you in warm clothes

so not a good day. mm.

my cat made friends with the neighborhood bully, Jake, and they went off while i attempted to appease my system with sugar. Why is it that every time I resolve to eat healthy and do right and all that, my body reacts so negatively? Is it the sugar withdrawl? I don't think so. I think it's like I'm allergic to vitamins. I'm meant to be anemic and malnourished. Naturally.

I've started listening to this Tranquil Tranquilities (of Relaxing Calmness) or something similar pretty regularly to go to sleep. And it works pretty well because as I discovered last night, I've never heard the last 15 minutes of it--I'm usually asleep by then. At the beginning of the recording, there are a few grammatical missteps and just some awkward wording that irritates me a little bit, but I've gotten over it. But last night, I was having so much trouble sleeping (work-related anxieties? That and other things), I listened to the whole thing, and there were so many abuses of the English language, it was actively waking me up. Plus, it was cheesy, like "And then you go from your beautiful beach to the beautiful foilage [sic; this is a common mispronounciation; are there more dyslexics than we realize?] and you find a beautiful, relaxing hammock," and I couldn't stop thinking about the Deep Thought "Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk."

Oh, Deep Thoughts! They are great. They are fun to rediscover every so often. Several of them remind me of something TinyBehemoth might have said one night while we were downtown and had both had 1-2 beers, and everything was funnier. Like her horror that Lyndon Baines Johnson allowed people to call him LBJ because "el BJ!!" Some that were TBish:

Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it, little friend.
Instead of mousetraps, what about baby traps? Not to harm the babies, but just to hold them down until they can be removed?
If you're ever shipwrecked on a tropical island and you don't know how to speak the natives' language, just say "Poppy-oomy." I bet it means something.

  • Ice, The Microphones

Sunday, February 12, 2006

mystery radio

Explaining that the sky holds the wind
The sun rushes in
And a child with a shotgun can shoot down
Honeybees that sting
But this boy could use a little sting.

Two things I keep forgetting to update, so I'll just do them now, though completely unrelated.

1--at book club last weekend, the hosts had just moved into a new apartment. It was a neat apartment. But the best part was that it was old, and had one of those intercom-speakers built into the wall. They got one radio station on it, but they didn't know who controlled it or anything. They would just turn on channel 4 (channels 1-3 were just static) and be surprised by whatever was playing. So we listened to it all during book club, and it was the strangest mix ever. We wondered if it was just some dude in apartment 104, say, DJ'ing 24/7 for the whole complex. There were never commercials.

2--My brother stayed with two branches of one family while he was here in Austin. The mainstay was Jack and Betsy, and the secondary home was Jenny, Jack first wife. Willie got something in the mail from Betsy, and when Dad asked what it was, Willie said it was something from his "second mom." Dad said "Betsy?" and Willie said "Yeah" then said something about his "third mom." Dad was confused for a minute, then:
Dad: Oh, you mean Sis?
Willie: Uh, no? I mean Jenny---Sis? Would be my sister?

  • "By the Skin of My Country Yellow Teeth", Clap Your Hands and Say Yeah

walking in the breakdown lane

Behind me thunder mounts as trucks of cattle
roar over, faces pressed to slats for air.
They go on, they go on without me.
They pound, pound and bawl,
until the road closes over them farther on.

My computer has a very primitive and loud ventilation system. But Xander has discovered it, and whenever I'm using the computer, he's sitting right next to me pressing his nose to the vent that blows the hot air. He gets this weird look of extreme enjoyment on his face, and he lets his tongue hang out. It's kind of hilarious. I tried doing it, too, just to see what all the fuss was about. But I think the answer is he lives the empty life of an indoor cat. But I pretty much do, too, so don't be surprised if when you come, Ginny, and we're thinking of things to do, I excitedly say "wanna press our noses to the air vent of my laptop?"

Okay, this weekend's Veronica Mars withdrawl has been helped by finding another addiction, which is a song called "By the Skin of my Yellow Country Teeth." I liked it just ok on the first two listenings. But each time I listen to it, it gains a little more momentum. It's snowballing, I guess you would say. Soon some kind of critical mass will be reached, but what will happen at that point I wonder? What I really need to do is go get the Belle and Sebastian CD, if I want a new obsession that lasts longer than 5 minutes, 45 seconds per revolution.

I think Housemate V is building something in the back yard (what's he building in there?). I haven't asked. Housemate N is in Arkansas. It's just me and Housemate X in here, really.

Yesterday, due to my sleeping till 4pm, I missed a gymnastics tournament I'd been thinking of going to. There will be others, I suppose.

Now the rest of my fun weekend will be filled with work, both offices. Mom suggested I play tennis. No, I suggested I play tennis and Mom seconded it. It is almost 3pm, and nothing has been down about either work or tennis. Except I do have 6 brand new tennis balls (not pictured in last update, as green sandals were similarly not pictured, I realize), none of which can be nicknamed "Einstein" by my tennis opponent.

  • from walking in the breakdown lane, louise erdrich

man walks down the street--it's a street in a strange world.

So, I just watched the rest of Veronica Mars, season 1. So far, I'm not feeling so good about this weekend. TV addiction is like any other addiction, and when you're coming off your high, it feels really awful.

Anyway, speaking of addictions, one thing I did today was take pictures of everything I could find that I bought since the holidays. I have made a slideshow, here. It's horrible! It's shocking! I need to never buy another thing for my whole life! This only shows things I bought for myself. I've also bought other people stuff, and of course bought food and cat litter things like that, which is not shown. I was taking the pictures to try to teach myself a lesson, but I got a bizarre satisfaction out of seeing all the things in a group together. This is a problem. I'm cutting up my credit card tomorrow. I guess that means I'll physically have to go into a bank to get money to buy things, but so be it. Sooo, anyway, plans to buy a condo are put into the distant future.

Tonight, as I ventured outside of my house, I felt so completely alienated in the city at large. I went to warm familiar places, like an ice cream shop, and a video store, and a coffee shop, but I saw no one I knew. I had a nice conversation at the video store with the people because they were playing "Watcher in the Woods," which you may know is one of my favorite movies (it changed and touched us all!). There are things I like about Austin, but is it worth it to stay in a city just because of the great hours of its video stores? I feel I might as well move to Canberra or something. At least then I could say "I live in Canberra." Saying "I live in Texas" has lost luster. I don't find this stuff amusing anymore.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

wide awake 3am

Since I'm awake, I've backdated a bunch of dreams into my dream journal (right). I do update about dreams a lot. It's a good thing I got this dream journal so that people who really hate dreams don't have to read them, and also so I won't feel bad about writing down dreams even I think are boring.

I've slept so much today. Even at work, I felt like I was asleep with my eyes closed. Foggybrain and all that.

Why can't Xander manage his new food pellets? They are much smaller than the old food, but he should still manage to keep them in his mouth better than he's doing. He keeps dropping them onto the floor and then giving them long, wistful looks, like "There they go..."

He's being very sweet to me tonight, though. He's been lying next to me for hours, just watching what I write. He loves the mouse cursor, and he loves when I type words quickly. He watches the point where they appear on the screen for a while, and then looks up at me. I don't know what the look says--it's either "Are you WATCHING this? It's amazing!" or it says "Are you doing that?" I really can't tell what he's thinking. I am not a cat psychic.

Sunday, February 05, 2006

thoughts i have had

Okay, I DID it!! I'm so proud of me. I read the last 2/3 of a book that I wasn't completely into [see note] in one sitting, in plenty of time for book club. Then I bought sherry and brought it to book club, where we all did not enjoy the sherry. The book was actually pretty good, though it didn't deliver till the end. Then, after it delivered, it really sucked for the very last 15 pages. The book club's reaction to the last pages was basically "What the ****???"

[note] I wouldn't brag if I'd read a Harry Potter book, even though it's larger, in one sitting. Everyone does that. This was a book about university scholars and involved the use of Wikipedia and a dictionary at least once every two pages. But there were laugh out loud funny parts, and a part that made me go "aahaaaahhh!!!!" and basically, made my housemates think I was crazy, which they did anyway, so whatever.

Other than the reading, and the book club, I've done little today. It was a gorgeous day, too. I talked to my grandparents, who still do not have access to this site, so I think I'm going to go ahead and put it in "wide release" soon [see note 2]. I think it's ready for that. I also bought 6 tennis balls, because I had a tennis date after book club, but then when we didn't get in touch with each other (I left a message, but then put him on hold when he called back), it didn't work out, so maybe next time. And in the meantime, whilst purchasing tennis balls, I discovered a great sale on Speedos. I tried on a size 32, which I thought I remembered being my size, and it just fit. I mean, it was a struggle, but for some reason I was thinking of getting it, then I was like "woah woah woah--you're not competing in this thing. This is for swimming laps at your neighborhood park. 34 will be perfect." But I had no more time. The sherry was in the heating car, going bad (but how can you tell??).

[note 2] I wonder if my getting a new web page is like the reasons frontmen break up their band. I had this thought while listening to the new Gorillaz song on the radio (twice in one night). Creative stifling born of familiarity and repetition. I think it's time Damon Albarn reshuffled the deck.

One reason I didn't pursue the tennis game to the fullest extent of my abilities is I had this idea: "Why not rent a disc of Veronica Mars, and work on Mom's picture?" So, that's what I've done for the last 4 or so hours. A minute ago, I threw Guiness into the mix, but then ran out of Veronica Mars. I made a panicked call to the video store to see if they had the next disc, but then relaxed remembering I had Xenas yet to watch. I knew I shouldn't get into VM until long after the entire cast visited Austin. Now I am filled with regret for not entering its fandom soon enough to have seen them in person.

I am f-f-f-freezing!!

I had these thoughts, moments ago, when looking for the Netflixed Xenas:
  • Where did I put those Netflixes?
  • Oh, yes, I believe I put them in this relatively new Stack Of Stuff.
  • Why, what's this?
  • A cake server?
  • In My room?
  • Why? Who?
  • Oh, yeah! I got it for my birthday!
  • I have yet to have the opportunity to serve cake.
  • I must serve cake.
  • I must bake a cake.
  • Batter.
  • Sweet, sweet batter.
  • I wish I had another Guinness.
  • I will have another handful of Nestle morsels instead.

I love weekends! So far, this weekend is perfect. It started with a nice dream, I woke to breakfast being made for me, I got lots of reading in, got free wine and cheese (and sherry), did not follow through with plans (what do they say? There is no great joy in not having things to do, there is joy in having many things to do and not doing them. So that's one of the enjoyed joys of the weekend). Got to be artisitic and couch-potato SIMULTANEOUSLY, which is like multitasking. Tomorrow I'm going to see a play and Xander has a playdate, which is funny we have plans with a similar name but they are different. And I'll probably get a Speedo (you know, or a TYR or whatever. I'm using Speedo like "Kleenex" here).

My therapist said I play things down. Like, I said I had a boring weekend last week, but really, I watched a beautiful sunset from the hills of West Austin, had dinner with a friend, and later visited the same friend in a hospital after she'd had a heart attack scare, in addition to working 7 weekend hours. This weekend has a lot more to offer, and it's not even 1am Saturday yet. I will make sure to tell my therapist I had a good weekend.

I've been having weird desires to just go downtown by myself and take pictures of people. But it's not just that, I have this weird image of me finding a girl there and we become best friends for the night. So, maybe some time, if I truly divine that it's the right time, I will follow this urge because That Girl will be there, for me to meet.

Here is Mom's picture so far. I'm going to have a series of photos showing the process. It's going to look like that article I read in Discover about how autistics draw pictures, because I do it randomly, depending on which colors I want to do next. So, I'll do one segment of the wing, then do one of the hills in the background, then finish the sun, then to the tongue, then, who knows. Observe the process if you dare, but don't expect much at this point. I heard recently the idea that creativity doesn't have to involve originality, and that's so freeing. How annoying is it when you find out a great thought you've had has already been had? It's not fair that your thought is less valuable just because of the year you were born. You feel you would have had that thought no matter what, and are bitter at some philosopher for spending their freaking lives thinking up these thoughts and then patenting or whatever. And here you had that thouht just walking down the street and your name will not live on. But it's okay, because YOU still know you had the thought. And in your own lifetime, what YOU know is all that really matters.

Saturday, February 04, 2006

Xander did something cute

I told mom that Xander did something cute, and she said "No doubt." It really struck me as funny, his little face. Basically, I clumsily scared away some birds he was stalking and he looked up at me all injured and indignant, and if he could talk he would have said "Mo-ommmm!!!"

I told mom about my rad dream, and she told me her hilarious one. So I updated both together, on my dreamjournal. Because my rad dream isn't that interesting, except that I stood up for myself in a situation that in the past has been a life-consuming problem. But that's not interesting either.

If I read for 5 hours at top speed, I might finish my book club book in time for book club. I think it's going to be one that I can't skip the last few chapters, or the rest of the book will make no sense. So, I really should get going on that.

Friday, February 03, 2006

Hurray for Everyone!

My boss keeps pronouncing the new majority leader's name "Boner?," adding the slight question mark at the end to indicate uncertainty. I'm pretty certain a politician wouldn't make it that far pronouncing his name "boner," but then again "delay" and "bush" made it pretty far.

Another funny thing my boss did (I hate to tell these stories back to back, so I'll just give a quick intro that my boss is one of the smartest people I know, and on top of that is sweet and efficient and amazing) was asked me what "siral" meant (she spelled it for me, and pronounced it like the name Cyril, I think). She thought it might mean peaceful or relaxing or something. I said I'd never heard it, but she said "You know, people always go 'oh, that's so siral!' but I just don't know exactly what they mean." Eventually we worked out she meant "surreal" which maybe she's never seen written. It sounds really different with a Texas accent, and her spelling had been based on her daughter's friends name. She got concerned that Siral's name didn't indicate peacefulness, but indicated bizarreness, and wondered if the parents knew. I feel that since it took me 5 minutes of concerted effort to make the connection between Siral and Surreal, the parents have little to worry about.

I was torn between titling this "Hurray for Everyone," as stands, or "Wake up, do it again." Did I make the right choice? Why was I so taken aback when my job was described as "mostly admin type stuff" this morning, when that is how I myself describe it to everyone? That was weird. That probably tells me something. Maybe in my heart of hearts I don't think of my job "like, secretarial," my standard response to strangers who ask. Maybe I really do just say that because it's simpler, and not because I revel in being a secretary. Just because the databases we're entering data into were also made by us, and are holding really important stuff, it doesn't make me any less of a secretary. Just because I've learned the basics of programming and enjoy lots of parts of my job doesn't mean much either. Wait, this is depressing. I do like my job mostly. Probably as much as I'd like any job (much better than the job at Chuy's, and probably even better than my second job at the doctor's office). Six months ago I wouldn't have cared, but this morning I wanted to yell out "No, it's important!" I'm sure it wasn't meant to imply otherwise when they cheerfully said "Well, someone has to do it," like it was taking out the trash, or filing things no one will every look at alphabetically. So, here is what I have realized in writing this paragraph: I think my job is important, but am frustrated and not confident enough that I can defend its importance without feeling, well, defensive and delusional.

Here are two better arguments for both "hurray for everyone" and "wake up do it again."

Hurray for everyone!! If I link to the 100th Monkey, and idea that's really intiguing me lately, I link to the "WOWZONE," which is very much like "Hurray for everyone!" If enough people understand calculus really well, it will become second nature to everyone, which means it can be taught by age 8, just like in Star Trek the Next Generation. That means TNG is a feasible reality.

wake up, do it again:

Think of every town you've lived in,
every room you lay your head.
And what is it that you remember?
Do you carry every sadness with you,
every hour your heart was broken,
every night the fear and sadness lay down with you?

  • Half-Acre, Hem