Wednesday, October 08, 2008

every single thing i try

the worms that were in my heart a week ago were replaced by shining, happy butterflies. but now it feels as if my pericardium were made of boiling-hot acid, and the pulp of my heart is being slowly eaten away. poor heart, going through so much.

Let me just name the things on my mind, in advance of therapy. Or in lieu. This is a lot cheaper anyway.

i might have hit some kind of animal on the drive home last night. I really have no way to know this, I just know I lost control of the car for a split second, and now my brain is in overdrive, wondering if the car felt like something squishy was under the wheels.

i may have just gotten my first genuine D on a test, from a professor that i want to have respect for me, since she'll be judging my paper that's due friday.

i have a 15 page paper due friday! it's coming along very slowly, and i don't think it contains any of the necessary information that it should. it's about india, and my work there this summer. oh god

on the radio last night, during the giveaway, i didn't know the number and the other DJ had to quickly come to the mic to say it. i felt like a fool! not to mention i have a friend-crush on this DJ, and now all hope is lost!

i am nervous about going back on the radio tonight. so nervous. because what if i don't know the number again? or what if i don't know something else important? like how to turn the microphone off in the studio while i'm playing a song?

what if someone calls just to talk like they did last night, and we don't have time to talk to them? do i just hang up on them?

what if during boxing tomorrow i just pass straight out because it's been so long since i exercized? this is a very, vvery real possibilty, and it is verrry not Badass, which is the point of going boxing.

god, i feel so sick that i didn't enjoy my chocolate cake at all. on and off for the past week, i've had no appetite. i know i'm hungry, but i don't enjoy eating, not even things like chocolate cake! i think it has something to do with my heart. like what i said earlier about the pericardium being just a sac of acid at this point. i think there's something to that.

[primal scream, silent, out into the coffeeshop; gets one more latte]

1 comment:

Jamie said...

You just watch what might come in the mail to make things ALL BETTER.