Friday, July 07, 2006

new movie rating system

From now on, I can rate movies as a value between "0" and "however many times I can say the phrase 'what the hell, man??' during the movie." The added benefit of the rating system is that the longer the movie is, when it's bad, the worse it's rated.

Pirates of the Caribbean has earned a 45 under my new rating system. It also revealed a flaw in my rating system because I can say the phrase in a different, more emphatic cadence in the time it would have taken me to say "What the hell, man?" twice. I'll have to tweak that. Maybe something like:

"What. The. Hell." = 3 "What the hell, man?"s
"What the...... hell? Man!" = 2 "What the hell, man?"s
"What the hell man!" = 1.5 "What the hell, man?"s
"What? The hell?" = 3 "What the hell, man?"s
"Why does not a single piece of dialogue or detail about movie go anywhere? Why is Keira Knightley famous?" = 15....

Anyway, honestly, don't see it. We saw it for free, and felt really ripped off. We spent the hour-long ride home trying to remember scenes from it and shredding them apart (it's hard to remember any scenes from it because none are funny, and none have any bearing on anything at all later in the movie). If you happen to see it, despite my most sincere begging you not to, you'll know what I'm talking about, so I won't list every scene in the TWO AND A HALF HOURS. However, if you can tell me what the point of the jar of dirt (and for that matter, that witch lady, who because of the jar of dirt loses all credibility) was, let me know, maybe I'll be less angry at a world with so much wealth going towards making movies like that.

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