child

I am not getting one good idea! Despite this brand new webpage, my own ideas factory (ie my head) continues to be fed only workdays, comic books and music to digest. I need to get out more.

I downloaded a bunch of MP3's that came up with the search "subliminal." I'm all about learning without having to think about it. I hope it works just like that episode of Saved By The Bell. Wait, no I don't. Anyway, there was a series on reading people like a book and starting conversations. Or I thought it was a series. The reading body language one was a legitimate hone-your-businessman-worthiness kind of tape. But the one called "How to Start A Conversation" was, I can only assume, aimed at autistics. The author reading it also sounded mildly autistic. He was also so painfully awkward reading his own words, I kept bursting out laughing every minute or two. Oh, I'm going to the hell they keep for people who laugh at the mentally challenged, but a bright spot is that my whole family will be there (I should upload to this site some stories, for relavance, in this case, Zippy and The Twins).

I wonder what other stories I should salvage. Maybe the story of Me and the Maids. There's always my favorite of Willie shaving his eyebrows because he THOUGHT HE LOOKED LIKE AN APE MAN. I'm suddenly sorry not to have an email I wrote when I was 14, and another I wrote when I was 15. I also regret having sent them to their recipients.

Enough with the past. It's time to sleep. Or listen to music. Or maybe listen to this subliminal recording on achieving deeper, more restful sleep.

i keep on pushing farther away

I had an idea that the lyrics and phrases that always get stuck in my head might be somehow used as an I-Ching-esque way to structure my days. For instance, today, I brought a friend a birthday present, and she in return told me there was a great boot sale at the Steinmart between us. And so, goddammit, I got three pairs of shoes. But it really was a great deal. I got high-heel knee-length black velvet boots, funny "tobacco" colored lower flatter suede-ish boots, and then just some green sandals. As I bought the green sandals I thought "Wow! If I have these shoes on, I won't have to worry that strangers think I don't have a personality if I'm not wearing the Personality-Mask."

That's kind of a strange concept, which I guess I'll have to explain a little. The Personality-Mask is not what you use to cover up your personality for the sake of etiquette (and for the sake of not risking that new people won't get your sense of humor). The Personality-Mask is a carefully constructed face you can give the world, and you make it out of real parts of yourself, but it's very artificial so that you start worrying that the real things about yourself that the mask is used to represent are also themselves false. Therefore the Personality-Mask if a flawed concept, and I decided I could use pure Etiquette with strangers and save all my real personality flaws/quirks for good friends, but don't have to worry about strangers assuming I'm boring because I HAVE GREEN SHOES GODAMMIT.

Well, that was boring. But the point is, later I realized a Liz Phair song was stuck in my head, and it had the line "Do you wanna find alligator cowboy boots that just went on sale?" So I thought "Maybe these lyrics are somehow further significant to me," so I looked up the lyrics to see if there was a verse I'd forgotten about that might give me some guidance about what to do next. But unless the universe is working more cryptically than usual, I found nothing of import in the lyrics.

I am determined to have the Best Dreams That Anyone Ever Has Had. In The World. That's right. I feel very proud of my dreams, and I am bitter and obsessed with the idea that Girl Who Is Just Like Me Only Does Everything Twice As Well (a real person) also has better dreams than I do. And I am determined for that not to be true. Dream, Dream like you have never Dreamt before, little subconscious!

Do ya wanna be a polyester bride?
Do ya wanna hang your head and die?
Do ya wanna find alligator cowboy boots they just put on sale?
Do ya wanna flap your wings and fly
Away from here?

• Liz Phair, Polyester Bride, whitechocolatespaceegg

Family Quotes

Nonnie: I saw your friend Debby from high school the other day. She's so sweet.
Mom: Yes. Yes, she is. She's always so happy.
Nonnie: Yes.
Mom: Yes.
Nonnie: Not too bright, though.
Mom: No, I couldn't say that she is.
Nonnie: She told me she slipped on the sidewalk the other day, and hit the back of her head. And then it obsessed.
Mom: Obsessed, huh? You've gotta be careful of that, I guess.
Nonnie: Yeah. Well, I'm going to go on and watch Wheel, I guess.
Paw: [in background] You're abscessed with Wheel!

---

[the credits roll on War of the Worlds. Mom and Dad sit quietly, mild consternation settling in on their faces]
Dad: They got some splainin' to do.